I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
