So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
