Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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