i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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