explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
