I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
