I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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