Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
