What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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