watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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