the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
