Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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