I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
