At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
