I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
