so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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