there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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