He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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