lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
