He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
