Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
