i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
