why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
