Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
