In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
