Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You took a bar mat shot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
