i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
