Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
