i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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