there was a trapeze. enough said
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm getting married
To pizza
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
