Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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