Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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