I want to stick my p in your. b.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
