Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
