ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
even my farts smell like vagina
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
