So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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