ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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