Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
