I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
