Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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