Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
