jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
