I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
