I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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