proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
