i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
