I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Terrible idea I love it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
