It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
