theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
