I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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