That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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