what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I could make wine with my vomit
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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